Closing the gap

Setting the Stage

I was laid off last year, and since then I’ve been freelancing pretty consistently. In between clients, I’ve been sort of job hunting, mainly tweaking my portfolio. But in the past few months, I’ve realized two things:

  1. I don’t really like the work that I’m doing.
  2. I don’t know if I’m “good enough” to do what I want to be doing.

Why I no longer love the work that I’m doing

Honestly, I think it’s just the nature client work. Or more maybe more specifically, doing client work alone.

I miss being part of a team. I miss having people to collaborate with and learn from. When you’re freelancing solo, you’re juggling everything: the code, the client management, the business operations. There’s rarely time to dig deeply into concepts or explore creative ideas.

What I really want is the space to make things great, not just done. The nature of client work, for me, has been “make the client happy as efficiently as you can and move on.” Typically with no real time to improve the thing or try a different approach. Which makes sense when you’re moving fast, but I always find myself drained and wishing I had the time to add a new feature or explore all my “what ifs.”

Why I’m not sure if I’m “good enough”

Have you ever procrastinated on doing something hard because you know it’s going to be hard? You’re already mentally busy with your current plate, but you also know that doing the hard thing will eventually make you happier. That’s where I’ve been all year.

I think with any new thing there’s inevitably going to be a learning curve. You’re just not going to be good at it on your first, second, or even seventeenth try. But you’ll be incrementally better.

When I try a new thing and I’m not immediately good at it, sometimes it’s a turn-off. I mean, don’t get me wrong — I taught myself how to code. I know how to figure things out, and I don’t give up. But still. It takes a lot of mental capacity to go through that over and over again, especially when you’re fighting the economy and have 10 other things that always seem to take precedence.

So I guess I shouldn’t say that I’m not good enough. I’m just not where I want to be yet. I saw this video a few years ago about the gap between your abilities and your taste, and I’ve just been in that space for a while.

How am I closing the gap?

A few months ago, I spoke to a friend of mine who was more or less in a similar space. (Reason #1 why you need community.) He recommended that I join Recurse Center. Basically, it’s a self-guided retreat — virtual or IRL — for programmers to explore their interests, with no bounds or deadlines.

I was a little iffy at first because I felt like, wow, “programmers”? Am I even a programmer? I just make eCommerce websites! I’m self-taught! There’s so much I don’t know! Sometimes I still stumble through my code!

But honestly, I just had to realize that I’m downplaying my work and my experience by only focusing on where I feel I lack. The best way to get better, is to learn generously, and the best place to do that is Recurse.

So eventually I applied, was accepted, and now I’m on week 2.

I’ve decided that while I’m here, I’m focusing on:

  • Something boring, but useful: algorithms, LeetCode, and CS fundamentals

  • Something fun: creative coding (Three.js, WebGL, shaders, immersive worlds, etc.)

  • A project I’ve been putting off: a headless Shopify starter kit for my freelance projects (:

Of course there are countless other things that I want to do, and I’ve been inspired a lot by my fellow Recursers. But while 12 weeks sounds like a long time, time flies when you procrastinate.

My experience so far

In the last two-ish weeks, I’ve felt waves of excitement, intimidation, whimsy, overwhelm, and overwhelming support. It’s been really beautiful and eye-opening. I’ve met plenty of people who are in the same boat as I am. Starting from zero in some way, deeply interested in building skills in some area, worried about our own contributions to this experience, and even a bit worried about the job market when we get out.

The biggest aha moment for me so far has been meeting people who are super good at something I want to learn. Like, intimidatingly good. But they really value and are just starting to learn a skill that I’ve already perfected. I feel like while I’m here, even outside of my own personal growth, I will grow by osmosis.

People here are deeply interested in things I haven’t even considered yet. I’ve already gained a curiosity about building maps and social apps. I was part of a group that built a heat map of noise complaints in New York, and immediately it got me wondering: what other maps can I make? What other information is out there that can be used to make things that are actually useful to the general public?

I even joined a writing group to finally write this first blog post, which I’ve been meaning to do for like 4 months!

The finale

So, yeah. I’m excited about exploring my curiosity. I’m happy that I’m finally moving in the direction of my interests, rather than just grinding through client work. I’m so excited to finally be “good” (or better) at the things that I’ve been itching to learn for the past few years.

And I’m excited about where this will take me in 12 weeks (: